Short Story sugguestions/critisism?
I wrote a story for english class. Could you please give me some feedback
I think I have
a good theme- appreasiate what u have
characters
idk about the plot its a flashback
basically what could be better remember I have feelings , but dont kiss my a$$ and tell me it’s really good don’t change anything.
Three months is a long time
I don’t usually have to use up all the money I saved in a week to buy a pop tart. Yet that’s exactly what I did in that crowded Wal-Mart on Third Street. Don’t get me wrong I love pop tarts in fact I think I’m addicted to them. But, somehow I think it’s really sad to actually have to save up money to buy a pop tart from Wal-Mart.
I walked up to the cashier looking down making sure I didn’t step on any lines. It was a habit of mine. I was the only one in the line at the cash register. I had the chocolate chip pop tart in my hand. A tired looking Latina woman in her twenties stood behind a cash register.
“Is that it?” she asked with a bored tone in her voice.
“Yep, don’t see anything else do you?” I said sarcastically.
“Ha, oh you funny. It’ll be two fifty.” She said even more sarcastically than me.
“Alright sense you asked nicely” I laughed.
I dug around in my pocket until I found a crunched up dollar bill, and a lot of change. I stood there and looked at the money thinking about how just three months ago I could have handed her a ten or a twenty.
(Flashes back three months)
I usually wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Sometimes the biggest problem I’d have was finding out what to wear to school. I’m a sixteen year old guy, about 6”1, and use to come from a middle class family. In my old School I use to go to I looked like everybody else, lightly tanned, have sandy blonde hair, green eyes, and an athletic build. Now I’m the one that stands out and look’s different.
In the suburbs I didn’t have many responsibilities besides take out the trash, and doing the dishes. I could lie out in the hammock all day, and play my light orange acoustic guitar during the summer and not have a thing to worry about. Where I live now all I do is worry. Worry about school, worry about the house, worry about finding a job to help the family, it doesn’t end.
My mom has always said since we got here that Kurt remember we still have each other. She was right where we are now is tough, but it would be much tougher without each other. Ever since my mom got laid of work she’s felt like she’s been dragging the family down, and so has my brother. He’s nineteen now, and taking it the hardest of all of us, he’s been smoking a lot more to relive the stress. Luckily dad has a job, and we get government aid else we’d be kicked out into the streets.
I had a lot of friends when I was living in the suburbs. My best friend Landen was the funniest guy you could ever meet. He’d always be crackin on people whenever you’d see him. He’d always be goofing around. When we, and some friends went to the mall, and saw people talking he’d always fill in what they were saying, and always make us laugh.
I don’t have a lot of friends in the inner city. Most people in my school don’t even give me a chance. They say that they know me, when they haven’t even said two words to me. They know I’m different, and like to point it out saying even the way I talk is different. The only ones who did give me a chance are my only friends here the soccer team. Whenever guys at school would try to mess with me they’d always there to back me up. It doesn’t matter how you speak or where you’re from on that field. Everyone has the same goal on that team which is well…to score goal.
I use to have a car before my parents sold it to pay for the rent, and other bills. It was a red 2002 Ford Mustang Gt. I’d drive it everywhere, and anywhere I could. When Landen , and my other friends would need a ride I’d be the wheelman driving them wherever they wanted. We’d go to parties, concerts, or just cruise around whenever we’d feel like. I remember feeling the most freedom when I was in that car. I could go anywhere all I needed to do was put my foot on the peddle.
The only friend I have in the inner city with a car is Trey, and he’s really sensitive about riding people. With good reason to he doesn’t have insurance on it so he drives at his own risk. He’s a good guy he’d drive me to soccer practice, the store, or even just to pick up girls. He even risks just driving my mom to get groceries, when my dad has the car for work. We still go to all the downtown festivals or whatever’s going down in the city. Compared to the suburbs the city is a thousand times more exciting, the most exciting thing to happen in my neighborhood is someone vandalizes a stop sign.
The Latina women behind the counter looked very annoyed now.
“Hey, estatua is you gonna pay for that or what?”She voiced. ( estatua = statue in Spanish)
I looked up and r
realized there were people waiting behind me in the line. Some of them had a full cart of groceries.
“Huh? ..Ohh my bad I kinda zoned out, what was it …like two fifty?” I announced.
“Yea, and if it’s too hard I can count out that money for you.” She mocked.
“I see you got jokes too”. I jeered.
I looked at the money in my hand one crushed up dollar, five quarters, and a dime. I counted it up again it was two dollars thirty five cents.
also, i dont have any trees big enough to hang one, do the free standing hammocks work, and if so can they hold 2 people? thanks for any input
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