can someone please help me?
okay my situation is pretty complicated. i would really appreciate any help from anybody. heres some background info about me. Im 17 years old. im not the most attractive guy but im not hideous. im a nerd and a jock. because of this, i have no solid group of friends so i dont have many friends. in fact i wouldnt consider any of my "friends" a best friend. i have a hard time talking to girls and i am trult depressed and thinking about killing myself cuz im rarely happy. so here it is.. it started two years ago. on my last day of vacation 2 years ago, me and my cousins met these 3 girls and hung out with them for most of our last day. we all basically picked a girl. the girl i picked had a bf, my luck, of 13 months. at that point i had never kissed anyone. so we sat in a hammock swing until like 11:15 and then we had to go or else our parents were going to kill us, long story, so we got up. i wasnt going to kiss her cuz she had a bf but she kissed me, and we made out for a few minutes. we ended up really liking each other and we continued to text and send cute messages to each other for months after vacation. she truly made me happy which has not happened that often for me since then. then things naturally died off because we live 2 states away (about 2 1/2 hrs by car). turns out that, again this year we went on vacation to the same place at the same time as them (my family goes every year to the same place same time, hers doesnt). but this time, we had a whole week to spend together. i was a little hesitant at first because to my knowledge she had a bf again (different one of like 6 months or so) and i didnt want to be responsible for another breakup (i felt like i was apart of her last one from last vacation). then on the first night of being there we went back to the hammock swing and talked again, and i learned she recently broke up with her bf. so we talked most of the night and then kissed goodbye. the next day was her birthday.. so we walked down the beach to where they were staying and we hung out with them on the beach for most of the day. at first we just sat around in the wet sand and 3 of the 6 of us (my cousin and 2 of the girls, including "mine") started a wet sand fight. the other 3 of us didnt get involved, but "my" girl did hit me 3 or 4 times, and i slightly retaliated.. then we layed under their tent and she continued to dump sand on me and i playfully did the same (we truly act like little kids sometimes) it went well and we had fun. then we went over their house for cake and her birthday. i met her family and it went well. then all 6 of us went downstairs and sat on 2 couches and started to watch a movie, i believe it was bringing down the house. During the movie, we held hands and i rubbed her legs, hands arms, things like that (note, i had never done this before) about 20 min into the movie, one of the groups went outside.. so i laid down with her on the couch, we cuddled up and i can say that i didnt see much more of the movie (well partly because i was on the inside so she covered my view of the tv), we kissed and made out on the couch.. i am really inexperienced as she was my only kisses prior to this. so i wasnt sure what exactly she wanted me to do. so i did start rubbing her breasts then i put my hand down her tank top and felt her breasts and tits and yea. it was a great night and i hope to believe she had fun. so the next night i figured she mightve wanted to take it further. we watched insidious and she was really scared. i felt like since she wasnt interested in the movie she wouldve started kissing me but no. she proceeded to cover her eyes for 80% of the movie and we kissed a few times but only when i told her there were no scary parts coming up. at one point, i think she asked what i was doing when i was rubbing her thighs, idk, do girls like that or no?. later that night she asked me how many girls i had hooked up with, i replied with an explanation of why it was zero, (i have little to no friends, cant talk to girls, am a ghost/depressed) then the next night. we all just sat on their couches and they asked dumb one word answer questions for a few hours and most of them were not directed towards me… for a solid 5-10 min, she asked questions that she knew i couldnt answer (we know a lot about each other). we didnt kiss that night at all, we didnt even kiss goodbye, which was a first for us, even 2 years ago.. the next day, we didnt hang out at all, they claimed they had "family day", their families were weird… but they did walk on the beach towards us to say goodbye during the goodbye, they took pictures, then we hugged and said goodbye, again no kiss…… what i want to know is, where did i go wrong? what could i have done better? did she use me to get over her bf? there is much more to the story but i cant really fit it and its much harder to understand.. thank you for any advice, anything at all
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